Computer Language Humor

Here are a couple of related postings that I found on USENET. Each one gives a slightly different view of a number of computer languages.

Programming Languages As A Car

• Assembler – A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
• FORTRAN II – A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
• FORTRAN IV – A Model A Ford.
• FORTRAN 77 – a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
• COBOL – A deliver van It’s bulky and ugly but it does the work.
• BASIC – A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You’ll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
• C – A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
• Pascal – A Volkswagon Beetle. It’s small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
• Modula II – A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.
• LISP – An electric car. It’s simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
• FORTH – A go-cart.
• LOGO – A kiddie’s replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
• APL – A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
• Ada – An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it’s good enough for generals, it’s good enough for you.

THE PROGRAMMER’S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you’re currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.

TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.

• C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
• C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”
• FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
• Pascal: The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.
• Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can’t because your foot is of the wrong type.
• COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
• LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds…
• FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
• BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
• Visual Basic: You’ll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have had so much fun doing it that you won’t care.
• APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
• Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.